congenial

       congenial (adj.) – pleasing in nature; agreeable

for your edification:  Look!  This word is so close to congenital, but it isn’t congenital!  One little letter can make such a difference.  One little letter is the difference between an agreeable, friendly, or generally pleasing in nature circumstance, and, well, a genital.  Besides having nothing to do with your genitals, here’s how you can remember the definition of this word:  You’ve heard of genies, right?  Genies are supposed to be these magical creatures that go around making dreams come true, granting all your wishes.  Genies are awesome.  Everyone loves a genie.  I mean, I Dream of Jeanie, for crying out loud.  Don’t you?  Genies are pleasing in nature.  Genies are agreeable to everyone.  I repeat:  everyone loves a genie.  They’re congenial.  I feel pleased.  You?

Examplification – Rodrigo:  What a day.  I am so overwhelmed by all my homework and my job and my mom nagging me all the time. 

Lisa:  Yeah.  And also, you’re pretty much always in a super-pissy mood.

Rodrigo: I know.  I’m so stressed.  I just wish I could have a genie to help me with everything.  If I had a genie, I’d be congenial.  I wish I could be pleasing and agreeable.  Ugh.

Lisa:  Ooh.  And you could get the genie to add five inches to your penis, too.

Rodrigo:  In theory, I guess.

Lisa:  Yeah.  Totally.  And maybe you could ask for fresher breath.

Rodrigo:  Okay.

Lisa:  And, like, help with the acne.

Rodrigo:  Right.  Got it.  Thanks.

congenital

       congenital (adj.) – present at birth

for your edification:  This is another fantastic word, on account of it being so easy to remember.  First, the word congenital begins with the prefix “con”, which means “together” or “with.”  You also probably couldn’t help but notice that the second half of the word is genital.  Hooray!  So, literally translated, we have “with genital.”  You know how long you have been together with your genitals?  Always!  Your genitals were present at your birth.    If you have a congenital itch, you’ve been scratching since birth.  If you have a congenital body odor, you’ve stunk since birth.  If you have a congenital rash, your rash was present at birth.  (By the way:  a congenital rash is almost always an entirely different entity than a genital rash.  So close, yet 2 times out of 17, so far away.)  You and your genitals:  together forever. 

Examplification – Ralph:  You know, I feel like for the past seventeen years, I’ve had a real complex about the overwhelmingly huge size of my phallus.  I’d always felt that being so enormously, ridiculously well-endowed made me so different than every other guy out there.

Tina Tina:  Wow.  You really have it rough.

Ralph:  Yeah.  But, you know, I’ve finally come to terms with it.  My outrageously giant schlong was present at my birth.  My genitals were congenital, and, you know, that means something to me.  I need to have my unit’s back, because, if I don’t, who will?

Tiny Tina:  That’s beautiful.

prolix

       prolix (adj.) – tediously wordy; drawn out

for your edification:  Here’s the thing:  there are some people out there who claim to be experts with their tongues.  Now, I’m not one to judge – maybe they are, and maybe they aren’t – but I’d imagine the requirements to go full-on professional licking squad are pretty intense.  Regardless, here’s some information I do know about those who possess superior tongue prowess:  just because individuals may have been blessed with exceptional tongue aptitude does NOT mean that they were blessed with the ability to speak in a clear and concise manner.  Precisely the opposite:  as it turns out, studies have shown that individuals with more capable licking skills (those with pro licks) are actually 81% more likely to speak in a tirelessly, tediously wordy and drawn out manner.*  It’s called prolix. 

Here’s the mathematical equation:   great lickers = boring, longwinded, toooooo many word-using speakers.   

Prolix.

* statistical analysis should not be considered truthful.

examplification – Birthmark Tony:  That date with Rhonda was an enormous crap sandwich.

Billy:  Rockin’ Rhonda?  She didn’t show you her tongue skills?  She could go All State in licking skills.  Hell, she could skip college and get in on the pro licks circuit.

Birthmark Tony:  That’s all well and good, but I wouldn’t know.  She just talked and talked and freaking wouldn’t shut up all night long.  Literally – every story was sooo drawn out and wordy and full of prolix that I couldn’t get a word in edgewise  - much less get my tongue in edgewise.

Billy:  Well, that’s the hazard of dating an amazing tonguer.  Amazing tonguing, unamazing wordiness and endless talking.

Birthmark Tony:  I’m not taking that chance again.  From here on out, I’m only gonna date those with mediocre tongue skills.

Billy:  It’s the sensible thing to do.

feckless

        feckless (adj.) – ineffective; worthless

for your edification:  You know how there are some people who, no matter what the topic, just don’t seem to care about anything?   Like, you ask them where they want to go to dinner, and they’re all, “I don’t care.”  Or, you wonder what movie you should go see, and they go, “Whatever.  Doesn’t matter.”  Or, you’re like, “Should I shave my head and have the hair surgically transferred to my rectum as a representation of my disapproval of the abuse of baby llamas worldwide?” and then they’re all, “I don’t know.  Maybe.”  These people – these noncommittal, disinterested, indifferent people - are completely and totally worthless.  They’re totally ineffective.  And you know what?  They don’t give a feck.  In fact, they don’t give a feck so much that they are feckless.  You know what to call ineffective mothers who just don’t give a feck?  That’s right:  motherfeckers.  Motherfeckers are completely feckless.  Get it?  Eh.  Whatever.  Not to be worthless, but feck it. 

examplification -  Harriet:  You wanna go get a smoothie?

Larry:  Eh.  I don’t care.

Harriet:  You don’t care if you get a smoothie?

Larry:  Whatever.

Harriet:  Wait.  So, if I got a smoothie, would you get one, too?

Larry:  I’m not sure.

Harriet:  Can I get a boysenberry ginseng smootherator and pour it all over your privates?

Larry: I don’t know.

Harriet:  You’re kind of worthless, you know?  It’s like you’re just completely feckless.

Larry: Feck it.

Harriet:  Feck it.

tawdry

       tawdry (adj.) – gaudy; of little value

for your edification:  Do you know anyone named Todd?  I’m sure you do.  He’s that cheesy guy who wears so much fetid body spray that your eyes burn when he walks into the room.  He’s that dude who always has the top four buttons of his shirt unbuttoned to reveal his unsettling pop of chest hair, his two dangling skin tags and a mole, and his three gaudy gold chains.  Todd is tawdry.  He thinks he’s bringing so much to the table, but his presence is of little value.  In fact, his presence kind of repulses you.  Skin tags, gold chains, chest hair:  that’s Todd.

examplification  - Crystal:  Spring Break this year was so freaking lame.

Paula:  Why?  I thought you guys were going to Spartan Beach. 

Crystal:  We did.  It was ridiculous.  The entire beach was full of Todds.

Paula:  Full of what?

Crystal:  Todds.  Cheesy, tawdry, gaudy Todds.  It was a sea of fake gold chains and chest hair. 

Paula:  Sounds awful.  Sorry.  Gina must’ve hated it, too.

Crystal:  You know about her pregnancy scare with that random Todd?

Paula:  What?

Crystal:  Ha ha.  Um, what?

upbraid

          upbraid (v.) – to scold; to severely criticize

for your edification:  You know when you’ve done something wrong – like you’ve really done something wrong – and your momma or your grandmomma yells at you in a way that only a momma or a grandmomma can?  They look at you with their eyes cut, and they grab for a handful of your hair, and if you had a head full of braids, they’d be pulling you up by the braids out of anger and frustration and the understanding that you surely out your damn mind.  Well, this special kind of scolding and severe criticism that would cause someone to literally pull you up off the floor by the braids is known as an upbraid.  Up by the braids.  A big scolding.  Easy peasy. 

Examplification – Dirk:  If Mrs. Beasley does not stop screaming about photosynthesis, I am going to cut my head off. This is the worst headache anyone has ever felt.

Patty:  Rough night?

Dirk:  My mom caught me trying to take fifty bucks out of her purse.  She pulled me up by the braids, scolding me for hours and grounding me for weeks. 

Patty:  Aaah, the old upbraid.  That’s harsh.

Dirk:  And freaking painful.  Seriously:  why is Mrs. B. screaming at us right now?  It feels like she’s standing on my brain.

Mrs. Beasley:  …energy from light is absorbed by photosynthetic reaction centers that contain chlorophyll.

Dirk:  Go to hell, chlorophyll! 

Patty:  Get a hold of yourself, man.

wax

       wax (v.) – to grow in size

for your edification:  This one is great.  You know how they say opposites attract?  (sidenote:  who is this “they”?  “They” think they know freaking everything, you know?  “They” can totally eat it.*) They’re right, though (as usual.  Gah!).  Two opposites that go together like peanut butter and jelly (unless you have a peanut allergy.  If so, substitute peanut butter for either cream cheese or pork.  Strangely, both are decent with jelly) are our word, wax, and an old favorite, wane. Aah, yes.   Wax and wane:  unexpected prom dates; opposites.  Whereas wane meant “to diminish in size,” wax means “to grow in size.”  This is an easy word to remember, not only because of the whole inverse of wane thing, but also because everyone knows what one kind of wax is – you know:  the kind that grows in your ear.  What starts out as a teensy little barely noticeable dot of earwax sure does grow and grow in size when the common cold comes to town.  Yeah.  And if you don’t clean that wax from your ears every now and again, your ears will get all clogged and congested, and then you’ll lose all ability to hear high-pitched sounds.**  That’s what wax does.  It just grows.  Clean your ears.

* I’m sorry, “they.”  I’m speaking out of jealousy.

** This statement has not been proven by any person having any sort of affiliation with medicine, or ears, or logic.

Examplification – Crystal:  You are not going to believe who asked me out.

Paula:  Your creepy uncle who wears his boxers as shorts to our swim meets?

Crystal:  No.  Randy Risner.

Paula:  No!  You can’t go!  Randy Risner is so weird.  He’s totally gonna steal some of your ear wax to add to his collection.

Crystal:  His what?

Paula:  His ear wax collection.  He's been stockpiling wax from the ears of girls from our school. He only asked you out so his wax stash will wax.   I’ve heard it’s waxed in size, growing and growing ten times as big as it was since he first plundered my ears freshman year.

Crystal:  What a freak.

Paula:  Totally.

Crystal:  He’s so hot, though.  Maybe he can just ransack one of my ears.  And touch one boob.  One ear and one boob.  Nothing more.

Paula:  Dude.