dogmatic

       dogmatic (adj.) – given to arrogantly expressing opinions as though they were facts

for your edification:  It’s a tale as old as time.  Before the Hatfields threw down with McCoys, before the East Coast clashed with the West Coast; even before ketchup went to town in the dirtiest battle anyone this side of the Mason Dixon has ever seen against motherfreaking mustard, a war arose that has become so intense, so passionate, so rancorous that it’s hard to even mention without getting your blood a’boiling.  I, of course, am referring to the ancient beef between The Cat People and The Dog People. 

It’s so obnoxious, isn’t it?  Cat People are these kinda weird folks who have clammy palms and so many turtlenecks and they talk about the benefits of whole wheat pasta and they love the library.  Ugh.  But then Dog People will argue about, like, whether the offensive line or the defensive line is more stacked this year, and they pretend to enjoy pointless activities like hiking, and they’ll try to school you on stupid things like why shampoo and conditioner should actually be separate entities as opposed to conveniently packaged harmoniously in one bottle.  Ick.  Either way, both Cat People and Dog People are huge assholes.  They both think they are right about whether cats are better or dogs are better, and they actually think people want to listen to them talk about whether cats or dogs are better.   It’s all, “Dogs are better companions,” or “cats are smarter,” or “dogs are so loyal,” or “my cat located my g spot faster than anyone I ever pretend-dated in my head.”   Ew.  They think they’re right about everything.  They’re arrogant and, frankly, creepy.   Cat People and Dog People dress their stupid cat or their idiot dog in ridiculous Halloween costumes and they make sure their ugly dog or their fatass cat have more Facebook friends than you do.  Either way, Cat People and Dog People are dogmatic (if it helps you remember the definition and you’re some weirdo Cat Person, you can say they’re catmatic).  They are all the time given to arrogantly expressing opinions as though they were facts. 

examplification  - Rodrigo:  Yo, man.  Cats are so much better than dogs.  My cat Chunky Cole Medina can curl up into any letter except for “R” on command, and he’s always got this adorable little smile revealing his teensy little teeth.   Dogs are so wack.  I don’t know why anyone would want a dog when cats are clearly superior.  Cats are the bomb, man.  Fact.

Tiny Tina:  It’s disarmingly uncomfortable how you’re so dogmatic about cats five minutes into our blind date. 

Rodrigo:  If you can’t approve of kitty love, see yourself to the door, Miss.  Otherwise, can you break me off a sip of your Smoothie?