buttress

        buttress  (n.) support;

        (v.) to support

for your edification:  You know how when you sleep, a mattress acts as a support for your bed?  Well, when you walk or sit or stand or exist, your butt acts like a support for your body.  Your butt is your buttress.  It supports your legs; it supports your back; it supports your poor decisions.  Butts are amazing.  I humbly submit to you that your butt may be the most crucial part of your entire anatomy.   Seriously.  What percentage of your day do you sit?  Like, 50%?  60%?  92.6%?  Yeah.  And it’s all thanks to that adorable little round, fat-filled, crack-housed gluteus to the maximus butt of yours.  Have you thanked your friend the butt lately for all the support it provides for you?  Probably not.  Dude.  It’s your body’s number one buttress.  Kind of selfish of you, don’t you think?  Thank your butt, man.  Don’t be rude.  Thank your butt.

Examplification- Gary:  I am so butt-hurt right now.

Gary’s mom:  Gary Leonard Garrison.  I did not raise you to use language like that.  Get the bar of soap.  We need to clean your mouth.

Gary:  Jeez, Mom!  I really am butt-hurt.  I sat on a little folding chair and the teeny tiny seat couldn’t buttress the weight of my Whopper-sized butt, and I landed on it.  I think I broke my tailbone.

Gary’s mom:  Mommy’s little GaryBeary needs some snuggle-uggle luvinstuffs.

Gary:  Ew, Mom!  That is so gross.  Come on!  I am not a baby.

Gary’s mom:  I’m sorry.  I just want to be your supporting buttress when you need me.

Gary’s:  I’m a grown man, though.  Not a kid.  Hey:  can you make me some Noodly Doodly Chickeny Soupily? 

Gary’s mom:  Anything for my Gary Poo.